holy fucking shit

this blog is back in business. i need it!

i’m wearing a fucking ring on my finger. i had to tell someone.

hopefully you’re the only one that reads this anymore. i might have to delete this post or something.

 

in this shit

I post right now from a frantic place of caffeine jitters and in exactly two hours my final examination in criminal justice will commence. I post here due to low readership and I post here due to nostalgia. Here’s a window into my world (past twenty four)

this time yesterday I was called unexpectedly into work so I got really stoned before the shift and gave it my all. unexpected rush! then it was home to snort uppers and drink caffeine and get almost nothing done until 11 pm when I hit up 1419 and planned to stay for twenty minutes and this turned into two hours with sweaty beautiful people and bad music except for the dancing part. are there lots of vaguely queer girls out there in the world or something?

back home, still nothing done, jeff comes over and we stay up till four. wake up at seven and in vain try to stuff a semester’s knowledge of recidivism into my brain. jeff is asleep on the couch. I ask him for a cigarette, go outside to smoke it and hate myself while doing it (first cig since september). it was thoroughly disgusting. better that I hated it rather than rediscovering some long lost love in it yeah? I made it halfway through before my hand showed me mercy and dropped it on the ground. again, much better this way. I’m still reeling, can you tell? I want to vom.

this semester has shown me no mercy unlike my cig hand. thanks but no thanks…

the classes? pointless only because I couldn’t bring myself to care like I always have so much (but I still do, clearly). which brings me to my next point.

the girls? brief but recurrent excitations (one) and a whole different kind of crazy (the other). good to know about but i’m not totally sold on the idea of love. maybe I’m only saying that to protect myself. well, clearly. I was singing a different tune in september

anyway. I need to get dressed and get ready to go. a day of confusion and resignation awaits.

 

What really GRINDS MY GEARS

is this:

when you have no one to talk to about a dramatic crisis you’ve been through because you were the only one to really experience it. as far as everyone else it concerned, it might well have never occurred in the first place. well i’ve got news, seattle. it happened. i was irrational at the time and i still am. i will never get over it because i’m not entirely sure i want to. but i need to be able to acknowledge it. i need a forum still, apparently. this might as well be it.

as i get older this sad realization sets in: i will be the only one who will be familiar with my history. i cant rely on others to objectively understand why or how deeply events they haven’t experienced have affected my composure. parents will die and friends will cycle. boyfriends will pass and don’t care to hear much about eachother. am i allowed to allow prior injuries to affect new limbs?

 

awaken

I’m about to go work the graveyard shift at Noodles and Company. I appropriate that term because spending 9 hours in a restaurant with no business will make me want to die. though that’s not a good malaprop for me personally because I think I want to be cremated…just to be sure.

 

anyway.

I tread lightly like Keith Olbermann on election night 2008. Not so lightly as 2000 (well, 2004. 2000 was the year they all learned this lesson) but I am feeling cautiously optimistic. I think I will look at this semester as the semester everything finally clicked. Not all at once and not completely. Began to click. Began.

Best part is, I told myself this was going to happen and it actually did. I’d be willing to give Margolis about ten percent of the credit for my self-awareness which is at an all-time high (often painful, never hurts). I can feel the pendulum swing, and I just knew it was time.

I am soooo excited to mentor a freshman!

Ha! whatever...

 

she likes my hair. I knew that particular asset would come in handy some day.

 

called it.

 

watch this space

I have a strange feeling I’m going to end up broken-hearted within the next month and a half. so watch this space

 

a retired blog is appropriate for the things i think but won’t write down in a journal because it might get lost

i never gave a farewell post. i don’t need to because evidently I’m still posting.whhhhaaaaat? hat?

oh that reminds me. you probably don’t watch american idol. do you think that makes you automatically better than 30 million people? get off your high horse. especially if you a) have a facebook or b) read harry potter.

i’m mostly talking about lantz so feel free to disregard this entire post.

except for this part:

APPLEAPPLEAPPLEAPPLEAPELAPELAEPALEPAAPELEPAELAPELAPALEPAAPPPPLLLEEEEEEE sauce fiction.

augsburg mainstage. fringefestival.org

 

iFEEL

in an attempt to communicate more effectively, i have decided to make one last entry before this blog can officially be put to rest.
i promise to keep it short.
there was a time that i thought i had met in you two my mythical best mates
what happened to us?
a multitude of eventualities, perhaps.
you slowly began to understand how i tick tock
and my sickness spread its tentacles
inciting a rash temperament in our dealings
a suspicion
a jealousy
a resentment
and possibility due to our preexisting conditions, none of us knew the when or how of a proper emotional conversation.
and we suffocated as collectively as we grew.
i got the short stick of course, because i love being the victim.
i have my regrets. i was the impetus.
but mostly i regret that our friendships weren’t founded upon the type of support system that would have carried us through my illness or this past winter or our drug habit or whatever the setting of this story will be told in retrospect
that is something i could have had more control over
i could have talked
i could have kept it in my pants
i could have been more realistic.

well.

my life has certainly improved creatively over the past year.
i had just broken up with michael, and was distraught. you carried me over a hump, maggie. and jeff you once reminded me that i am a dreamer at heart.

i wish i didn’t ever have to grow up.

this is a sad day.

 

HEAR HERE (or) people meeting a deal of time after crisis

two people meeting accidentally a great deal of time after crisis:

This is the first of a series of boring plays which are infinitely more interesting when performed where they ought to be.
This first one is on a BUS.

Woman sits alone
Bus approaches Man
and picks him up.
W:
M:
M sits down,
in the seat adjacent to W.
W:
M:
W: I thought that I…
//M: I’m sorry that I…
W: What?
//M: Sorry.
M: I’m sorry.
W:
M: ?
W: I thought that I was attracted to you.
M: You were.
W: No but I mean back there a few minutes ago. I didn’t recognize you.
M: Well (beat) I cut off all my hair.
W: No.
M: Yes.
W: You’re different. When you got on the bu-
M: Different? I’m the same. You’ve changed. You’ve got
W: ?
M: bangs.
W: and you’ve got -
M: muscles.
M/W: Hm.
W: You don’t like my hair.
M: No it’s more than that-
W: You know what? Nevermind. Just Nevermi-
M: Shut up.
W:
M: I would like you-love you I did love you but it’s just that.
M: people.
M: change.
W: and what? you’re saying that we
M: I’m saying that we changed eac-
//W: changed eachother.
W: I guess that makes sense.
M:
W:
M: ph(pause) pheromones and all that.
W: yeah I get it.
M: So. This is my stop. I’ll see you around?
W: Me too.
//M: Hm? What’s that?
W: This is my stop as well.
M:
M exits front.
W exits rear.

In a LIBRARY.
Two people potentially purposefully meeting a short deal of time after crisis.
Guy approaches Man
G: Would you like to take a walk?
M: No.
G: Would you like to sit and talk?
M: No.
G sits.
M
sits.
G: Are you doing well?
M: I can never tell.
G: Tell me? or yourself.
M: Hm.
G: Because there is a difference.
M: I’m on the fence. Built around those whom I can trust.
G: Me. Yourself.
M: I’m not so sure I see it anymore.
G: The fence?
M: The difference.
G: Maybe that’s the cure.
M: I feel like a whore.
G: I told you already not to guilty about it. We’ve all done our penance. Let’s be happy now.
M: How?
G: Stop being so dramatic and kiss me.
But they don’t.
G: I’d like to make this work but I’m going to need some assistance.
M:
G: Call me when you’re ready.
G leaves.
Moment passes.
M dials number.
M: I’m ready.
M gets up, leaves.
M: No he just left. Are you done already? I’m still hungry.