da kraziest sekuritie kamz

Stuff me into the marrow of your bones sang he on the radio as in my brain appeared a new surprise

There’s a bit of desire left in me yet, I do suppose.

Desire to roam, mostly. To be stuffed into a suffocatable place and reach that glorious point at which the universe stops expanding and surrenders to me its ability to grow.

Too many ears have heard the trouble I’ve been through. Slavery and bondage to the excess of the modernity of my human civilization

Energy better spent powering a lightbulb for the lonely genius in the dark corner of society

I often consider the protons and concons of dancing the cancan and instead decide to dream up fantastical unrealities doomed to be forgotten by the constraints of physical science

And wonder if

To be happuer is to roar and now I regret the years smoking my vocal chords and letting my fingers lay dormant in their glove beds.

To be alive? What is that? I’ve forgotten.

what can I say? This is the most reading I’ve had for class since my first semester at the University. basically…French aristocracy you guys were keepin em down, Peter Brook you write in kind of a sexist way, Schiller keep it simple, schlegel you’re okay. Where’s my ladies at? Not yet not yet, we’re still in the classics! women will get their chance to speak soon I hope. Factoid: all of my professors are women. two queertron male TAs, to be sure.

Deeee-light ful deee-velopments! I am still captivated by the foreign girlfriend and that’s not really going to change anytime soon. Unless I drink too much steel reserve at her house and vomit oat squares. Clearly by the specificity of the preceding sentence you can tell this has actually happened, just not with her. If it does again I have a contingency plan. Her bathroom has a window. Helloooo classic restaurant comedy!

My Fringe balls are rollin’. My lip gloss is poppin’. My Luverne be listenin’ to my proposal tomorrow. My tenuous extracurricular standing at this University that involves several minor and one major clusterfuck will either blow up in my face or diffuse within the next couple of months. Hopefully either way I’ll make more money out tha dill. Never before have I felt so glad to have the mask of anonymity that comes with attending a huge public university. Kalen and I talked about Bard and Wesleyan today and just how fair the exchange was of east coast pretention for having met each other. Prompting the following improvised letter:

To U of M,

Thanks for everything.

Love,

Maggie Newmar

I’m pleased with the way everything turned out really. today for me is a day of respite, as jeff king shockley might say. The worst part about my general existence right now is that I’m hungover and for lack of being stoned, experiencing pretty bad cramps additionally. I’ve elected to do the following today (this post is just going to turn into my to do list so I can keep up because I’d say I got off to a less than stellar academic start):

read Goethe’s Faust

memorize monologue for showboat auditions? uh oh.

histoooorical documents!

find kym longhi a scene

clean the bathroom

Really solid people in my life. Really solid folks. The foundations which create a house. I want to build a house out of the people in my life. The adjunct faculty of the theatre department should be my spiral staircase, other that I have no designations yet

No more of this for awhile. Be back soon – probably sooner than I’d like. I need to get on meds and sober up.

I dressed up to impress myself. I’ve spent the last week high or in bed. DISGUSTING.

Today I went to circus and wasn’t as jazzed as I wanted to be. A certain type of person takes circus class and I’m not so sure that that person is me. I need to take history instead, but Chip hasn’t emailed me the permission code yet. I guess I’ll have to get it from Luverne. Also in academic news, I called Capper today about taking his 8:15 writing class because the subject matter is essentially Pro/Epi. It’s capped at 35 but he said I could come anyway and hope that someone drops it. Thanks, buddy! I’ve never wanted to take on such an inconveniently slotted course before! I’ll get into the deats about that later.

Last night I went to Wyatt and Toms and we watched 24. If future Nicholas ever wants to know how he spent the important years look no futher than this post- trying to make accidental body contact with men who aren’t into me.

I’m naturally gaining weight, as is to be expected from one with my habits. However, I’ve always liked being the slightest bit out of shape for whatever reason. We’re in the comfort zone for now and Kym has something to say about it I’m sure.

One class, much less circus, was an awful way to start semester. It occurred during the inauguration of the most important president to date, and Future Nick should know that he spent those hours failing to juggle.

Jeff turned in our Fringe thing today. Thanks Jeff. Sorry I don’t have big boy money yet.

My boy grows older every day and he’s sleeping with strange men and doesn’t like to play as much. Tom Q took him out last night to some party with pussies. He’ll come back to me I’m sure when he remembers the allure of the crook of my knees.

Speaking of Tom Q, he writes outsider plays where I’m the main character. Kind of like how Tristan choreographs dances for my body. There may be a niche in the exploitation of my artist friends….

I’ve been either way off my friend game lately or growing dangerously paranoid. Probably a little of both which play off of eachother. And tie into my sleeping and eating habits. I’m not sure how to straighten up and fly right other than to exercise and start some serious hobbies. For about an hour today I was convincing myself to join the air force. Maybe when BO repeals some shit and my life goes down a little further. Feel free to give me some objectives, though that hasn’t really worked in the past.

Hey Katie, apparently you read this. I can’t say that I feel the need to retract anything that I’ve said. You take family much more seriously than I do. Being able to distance myself from the structure of a family unit is productive for Future Nicholas. He can’t have any babies or husbands. And considering how often you answer my phone calls in Chicago I don’t expect you to be checking in as often as someone with whom I share love needs to.

I need a job is what this all comes down to. Or about three more classes. Or less Internet. Or a clear direction for Pro/Epi.

I have been writing and writing and its all random shit. When I finally came up with something final the other day I got frustrated with the process. Say I have enough time to just write it all this week even. (I do.) Then what? I show it to Jeff and Maggie and it becomes just another draft? I’m really sick of doing things half-assed in my life. Pro/Epi has so far just been one example of that. It seems like I’m pretty good at setting new goals, but not on following through with them. Once again I ask the general population- what do you do with all that time? I’m so lost. I just it around waiting for the next organized thing to happen. 24 hours? Oh my god I don’t know that I can do this semester as it stands. Too much time. I’m at an edge about to take some huge outofleftfield swing. I just don’t know where or what or when. Something radical needs to change.

Kymmmm? Capppperr???? MALIN?!? somebody give me something to fucking do I’m so tired of 24 and Momma’s Boy and The Real World and even Planet fucking Earth (as truly holy as it is). And fucking pot. I wish I could resist you.

Thanks for listening. It’s been quite the unorganized rant.

again. again.

destructive crush! this one you just have to wait and see to believe. I’m doing well. re-stabilizing. It helps when we go to shanties and stuff. once I work up the nerve to leave my house more often…well I don’t know. I guess that will be even better.

They’re (more people than just my roommates I will go find out in a second) in my house but if I turn up my fan and put on thirty rock I’m in my own little earth. WTF? I think it’s Irene or something. I like having guests and I will have them again someday. Paul’s sick. No I think it’s Kaylee that’s here. Regardless I’ll go out there because I want to sit down and eat faux chicken nuggs with these fine folks.

what am I what am I dooing

I’m really fuckin’ depressed is how this starts. Never in that knees-buckling drop the phone in the the street and sob just received horrible news kind of way but rather in a functional kind of way like a diabetic child who just has to stop and take insulin shots every now and then and she’s fine otherwise.. It’s the weather mostly, the feeling of feeling trapped but also the complete lack of long-term motivation. a goal is something you shoot a lacrossse ball into.

and she doesn’t want to see me right now. She’s got a couple of really good excuses but like you’ve said, if they’re really invested couldn’t they make time? maybe not. I certainly wouldn’t, but I also don’t have the problem of being busy in the least. I walked to the god-damn Southern theatre yesterday which isn’t that far but considering just the agony of walking to the bus stop I can’t help but think I was subconsciously trying to punish myself for something.

On the upswing: they are way into my spoken word despite the fact that I really have nothing to speak for.

Oh me oh my.

I think we’ve got an issue. I fell somewhat hard – again. To a complete lack of interest. More of a tolerence at best, really. I shouldn’t be attracted to tolerence. I’m better than tolerence. See, I know how to say that… how to type that… but living it is a much different issue. I’m a sad man. A very sad man. I’m that lonely pathetic gay man that everyone secretly pities. He falls head over heals for all the wrong men.

what’s up pussy cat? meow. Don’t wanna do THIS! My dreams are getting sexual. TOO SEXUAL. They tell me things that I don’t want to hear. Like who I apparently dream about boning. Just goes to show that youre no stronger than your subconcious! It’s so cold. TOO COLD. and everyone knows it. I’m excited to not attend a workshop tonight. Not sure what to do with all that magical time. Wyatt? I think he’s in town now. Sorry that last night was infinately wierd, though I only claim 1/3 responsibility. I suppose we should be suprised that there haven’t been more before this. Treat yourself well, folks.

Life is so jam packed right now that I’m not exactly sure what thing to write about.