da kraziest sekuritie kamz

You’re not supposed to be able to receive a wireless signal for free at the airport but I gone dunnit! I’m in the buttfuck regional jet concourse maybe that’s why. “You don’t have any food options besides pizza or alcohol and the air conditioner’s broken; here, have free wireless.” Late this afternoon I’ll arrive in Scranton, Pennsylvania, home of Dunder Mifflin Paper. And tah dah! kari margolis is going to pick me up and I’ll have about an hour in the car with her to self-promote. what would I say? that I can fly? poop gold.

I smoked something like 5 or 6 times yesterday. making up for lost time

are you:

over 21 years of age?

an ‘intellectual’?

a bike-rider?

i think we should consider having a summer thing.

let me know.

so here I am right now baked as shit and I am watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee watching these kids eat it. I’ve gotten a few words right but they are damn hard! )p

I used to compete in spelling bees when I was younger. I always won the school spelling bee and got psyched out at the citywide competition. Homeschooled motherfuckers. Anyway I was pretty kickass nonetheless. I used to be so nerdy! I am nerdier now, it’s just a more specific kind. I never read the dictionary, though I told people I did.

I secretly root a little harder for the white kids.

because those indian kids are fucking robotas.

i truly deplore this situation i am in and the decisions i am now forced to make

dear diary

Right now I am about to go have sushi from a restaurant everyone likes! oh no I hope I like it too so I fit in. fit in like a tetris piece.

anyway, here’s a shortlist but a list nonetheless. I call it how to look great while falling down

be having a good hair day already so that when you fall down it still looks good, just kind of sexymessy

yell “oh fuck” in a lighthearted (IMPORTANT: not too grumpy) manner and laugh it off even if it hurts, just say something blasé like “whatever, it’s cool”

call someone out on staring at you

don’t get dirty: if you are the type of person who falls a lot spray scotchgard all over your clothes

well that’s the list! now get out of here

I am a man child decending deeper everyday into the darkest chambers of obsessive love which will never, nor should ever be shared with another.

I am at least three seperate people, each action dictated by percieved responses.

I will shatter soon when the chemical bonds inside my skull fail, fracture, and fall; much overstressed and grossly malnutritioned.

Mutilated past the point of recognition, my unseperable, dominating, overamplified emotions fill my lungs with the unbreathable tears of innumerable tragedies which refuse to relinquish their tightest of  grips upon my ability to function without considerable regaurd to the dispair I see in every passing glance. 

this happened:

My wicked sense of humour caused Devin (great great pal o’ mine) to hyperventilate while he was driving and it was super scary. his body got all numb and he couldn’t see and as a passenger in a car these aren’t things you want to hear from the driver but he’s okay now. too much caffeine and low impact exercise coupled with too little sleep. get well Devin!

i also accidentally got drunk last night for the first time since the New Year’s shitshow but it was for a noble cause. I was basically drinking all the alcohol within reach of a friend I’ll call “Jackie Kennedy” because Jackie arrived at the party already smashed, downed an additional half-pint of Captain and some kind of malted beverage, and was drunk-girl punching me all by 11pm. Just lookin out for ya first lady.

a good kiss: 

fuck you, i’m a pecker. i peck. i enjoy pecking and i think it’s nice. affectionately nice. tongues are sexual. sometimes i’m sexual too. thus, sometimes i use tongue. however, should i discern that a situation calls for the use of my strongest muscle, i casually whisp or glide my tongue fairly quickly. the desired affect is something akin to: was that tongue!? yay! i am quite bear considerable dislike for what common teenagers refer to as “tongue fucking”". this mundane process of gaining the most cavity territory reveals itself as the sign of a truly horrible lover. what i’m looking for is composure in the slobber category combined with the gentle caress of a wandering hand. graze my privates if you need to, but don’t distract me with a circus show down there. this is about making sure our teeth don’t touch. that would probably result in an immediate ‘tummy ache’. we would have to stop kissing. if you want you can grasp the back of my neck. that has worked really well in the past. if we do it at the same time you should have someone on call to take a picture portrait. i’ve often noticed the simple eloquence in this passionate embrace. i also like biting lips.

some people i’ve made out with:

“A Hold Mostly”

i drunkenly recall that not only are you a good kisser but that we had a conversation about how you are a good kisser and have been told far too often. unfortunately, despite previous private statements, my blood alcohol content was a lot higher than i thought it was and i really only remember your attempts to lay me. and my refusal? 

summary: great!, i’m passing out, sex?

A

“A Candelabra Chrome Sinner”

you like licking noses. i’m not sure whether you know this or i had to point it out but i started to do it because i’m all for new things and i was trying to appease you and you all shied away. at that point come on mother fucker you know you like it you did it like… the first time we made out even. you also were very confused about my tongue hatred but you adapted and for that i am quite thankful. there wasn’t a whole lot of body exploration-this is probably your current weakness (take notes). i seem to remember that you’re a big fan of pretending to get tired and then getting all intense again. this was somewhat tedious. 

summary: >nose, <neck.

A-

“A Snakelike Peter Mount”

woah i waited so long for this hook up and it just really sucked ass. not literally but it was a poor experience nonetheless. we are not compatible kissers AT ALL. there was a lot of passion at first but then i figured out what was going on and just wanted to scream woaahhhh besssieee. but i didn’t. i wish i had. too. much. tongue! so much tongue. i was tongue raped. some people like that i’m sure. not me. 

D+