“Why are you doing this?”
(I laugh at the way Jenna asked me that because she did it in a way that implied it was already really obvious that that was the question I was supposed to answer and she wanted to get on with writing the damn thing so asking it again was a goofy formality)
“Well firstmost, it’s a characterization exercise. I don’t have a lot of experience with characterization as an actor, and I feel like in the program that I am part of – I’m self-conscious that I’m ending my clauses with prepositions – The program of which I am a part, we don’t do plays that have characters, usually, or with the character as the focus. (Each production) is an experiment, a collaborative experiment. I don’t want to say that the directors that I work with lack vision. They take leaps of faith, which I actually admire.
Anyway, I’m doing this so that I can learn to play characters. I’m also doing it for personal reasons. I’m interviewing people that I know well, that I spend time with, because something that i’ve realized recently because of my experiences with a couple of different people is that when i’m listening to someone, I’m less listening to them than waiting to talk sometimes. i find all these really beautiful metaphors and pieces of insight in my own life because I analyze it so heavily, but sometimes it’s overkill. I could be donating that time to other people. I have more of that desire to create literature out of real life. I don’t need to be so overwhelmingly focused on my own story. The people, the few with whom i am the closest, furthermore, have stories that are quite pertinent to my own life and certainly equally as interesting. And those metaphors are all different, all fresh. I think i get stuck in artistic ruts, I get writer’s block at times, when i’m performing an unnecessarily exhaustive analysis of the dramatic text that is my own life. I don’t usually think of myself as looking to other people for inspiration. I think that’s why I’m doing this. It’s another form of actor preparation. I should say it’s a form of dramaturgy.
But to go back to what I was saying about my personal life, i just know that I can remember what was said by someone when I write it down. And I can interpret. Sometimes it’s more difficult for me to listen to people than to talk to them, to have them listen to me. because when I’m talking to them, i already have my own interpretation of what I’m saying, and when I’m listening to them i have to form an interpretation, and to me that involves a judgment of them. I don’t think of making a snap judgment when i’m listening to the words that are said, I listen to it piece by piece. i can’t really see the big picture. i’m more focused on details. and after listening to someone talk for a while, the information becomes disjointed for me, and therefore I feel that each thing that someone says is irrelevant to this big picture. The best way for me to get to know someone is to share a lot about myself. I don’t get off on withholding information. And based on their reaction to my openness, my sharing, my life – that’s what i’m sharing – then I decide what type of relationship i have with this person. so this is a tool to help me understand the big picture about every person and understand my relationships in terms of how i interpret their lives and not just how they interpret mine.”
muddy footprints